I’m Free and that’s Reality

I have the strangest life, I live in my heart and my imagination. As strange as I am and there are several personalities to choose from, I am not as strange as the people I meet and hear about. I was standing with a woman that I had been talking to for some hours. We were standing on the street and she had shown me a place where I could wait for the dawn. I saw hundreds of people. I had seen very few people for months. So I studied people’s body language and their faces.

Often I was doing this while this woman talked to me. I was in a bar area that is only open on Tuesday. There was a big park and people were standing there and sitting there and not dancing. It was Switzerland and Switzerland is about the money, no matter where you are. It’s the reason that most them don’t have any fun. They have their pension and their latter years but life is gone by then. Some of them are friendly and some are not and it’s about half and half. Usually the women are much friendlier. Most people speak English. I don’t go to Basel much because it depresses me.

When I dance people stare because they are not doing it. In Italy you can sing in the street and I do, and people laugh. In Switzerland they just look at me like I’m crazy. I walk through the malls and traffic-less streets and I sing loud and I smile and I look in their eyes. The foreigners understand. This woman was a foreigner from Ost bloc. She had been through a lot and it had changed her but she had a confidence and drive that was infectious..

A crazy person came into the park and everyone got tense. There were a hundred people there. The woman said that there were some Spaniards and Portuguese who were angry with each other, she was apprehensive and said, “I hope he doesn’t come over here.” I saw another guy. He looked like he was high on speed. It was at a carnival and he was intimidating the people around him. For some reason I didn’t go over there. He was a big guy in good shape but he was crazy. I would see the person yelling in the park wasn’t coming over to us and I told her so. I’ve seen this several times. They let these people do their thing but everyone seems to be afraid. When it rains only a little bit, thousands of umbrellas bloom; it’s the money.

She said, “I hope so” and I could see she had experiences. Once I was locked up in the Nogales jail for smuggling. I wasn’t smuggling, the guys with me had left their pot and pills on the other side of the border. After tearing the van apart for six hours they let us go, followed us and lost us and then got a car in front that braked fast. I told the guy to drop it out the window. He waited for the car to stop and then he did.

So I was in the Nogales jail with a couple of other people. One was a white guy who had been around but was small. Another guy was one of those genial Mexicans that you always see in jail. They let this black guy in. He was big and for all I know he was frightened, crazy sure. We were sitting at a table and he was standing and yelling about kicking people’s asses and then looking at us and glaring and daring us to say something. This was a period where I had two altercations and wasn’t afraid of anything. It isn’t always like that.

This guy was getting menacing and it was a matter of time before he called for either fealty which might have gone anywhere or submission. No one was going to do anything if I didn’t. He was moving on the white guy who was cringing in his chair. Like I often do I acted without thought and I jumped up and told he if he didn’t shut up I was going to shut him up and I walked around the table and then said, “Cut your loses, no one’s going to bother you.” He started yelling and swelling up and I just looked at him and he went away and there was no further problem. There could have been but often there is not. I got moved to the Maricopa County jail and there was this white trash, southern boy who keyed on me. Part of it had to do with meditating on my bunk and part of it was personality.

He kept on taunting me and I ignored it. The fellow I was sitting with said, “You’re going to have to deal with it sooner or later. I nodded and went on with my business and he did something and I said, “The next time you do anything to me I am going to fight you. Stop now and you won’t be sorry.” I didn’t know what he knew but bullies are mostly hot air; not all of them though. Later I was sitting on my bed and a roll of toilet paper sailed in front of my nose. “Okay, that’s it I said, I walked down the aisle to him. He has backed up and was holding his hands in a way that didn’t inspire confidence and he had a gleam in his eye like he knew me and owned me. I said, “We can end it right here, I’m giving you a chance. Otherwise I have to kick your ass”

He sneered and I went into a boxing stance. I had won several medals as a kid mostly because my hands have always been fast. Susanne remarked on it the other day. No, we don’t spar but I do stay in some kind of shape. Rick Glover is always out there and fixated on me. Anyway, he threw a punch, I blocked it and hit him with a three punch combination and he went down with a bloody mouth. I stood over him and said don’t get up. If you fuck with me again I’ll give you to one of these guys as a sex toy and I meant it. I never heard from him again.

When I was young people used to pick on me all the time and sit on my chest and torment me for hours. Eventually they would do something and I would get angry and beat them up but I always forgot and people would be sitting on my chest again. The Kundalini changed it and the instant martial arts, which didn’t get fluid until recently.

I realized what I saw in people’s faces was fear. Fear of intimacy, fear of others and fear of social situations. I saw all sorts of people who wanted to have sex and all they had to do as announce it and they didn’t. Back in the past I would just get up sometimes and say, “Look, I see all of you people looking at each other and you want to be naked in a room. Tell someone and get it on. You’re pinging in my head and I’m trying to enjoy my high.

Most of the time what we fear is bogus but if we face it, even if it kicks our ass, for some reason it goes away. I looked at this lady and she was genuinely afraid of this screaming guy. I said “don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it.” “How” she asked. “I’ll just be louder and more crazy.” You see it in prison all the time and there’s nowhere to go either. The guy quieted down and that was the end of it.

She walked down the street to a place that wasn’t open (I’ll tell the rest of the tale at Smoking Mirrors comments today). Then she said, could she hug me and she would have that even if I didn’t communicate like I said I would. I hugged her and looked down the street and I said, “I’m free. That’s the one thing I’ve got. I can go anywhere and I don’t have this thing lurking over me like most people.” It was profound at the moment and I expanded on it but couldn’t remember what I had said.

Some of us have friends as our wealth and some of us are free too because that’s how we lived. It isn’t easy in the beginning that’s why few do it. They opt for the job and the security. I was in my forties and the producer of the dinner theatre I was acting in said, “Visible, you have to get it together. You have no savings, no insurance and no pension. What are you going to do?” “God will provide”, I said and he always has. He’s fed me and sheltered me and been the courage inside me when I didn’t have any of my own. God can kick anyone’s ass and he’s inside us. You have to go through a lot of shit but at least you get out of it instead of deeper into it.

I said yesterday when I was ragged, “You know Susanne, I didn’t do too bad. I’m free like few people are and I have friends. If it all fell down, I have dozens of places to go where people will take me in and help me up. How many people can say that? I gave myself away and I put my hope and trust in people. All the shit I went through and it worked out in the end; just like it can for anyone who puts their effort and coin into the human experience. Sure I’m crazy and I do things that may not be safe or wise but I’m not afraid of that screaming man and you don’t read in my face what I was reading in all those people’s faces. You can question my judgment but I jumped right in and I’m not afraid of being close to others or loving the human race. That’s why I’m singing when I go down the street. I’m letting people know that they didn’t get me. There’s one of us still loose and I suspect there’s more.

I run into bullies of all types all the time but I sing to them too and they go around me to find someone that’s afraid of them, just like anyone does. That other night, I told this lady, “I could go anywhere from here” and I meant it. There were no borders or boundaries, I was free.

Pure Sweet Love.

The New Shangri La


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